There are many reasons why you might want to cut ties with your DM. Maybe their DM-ing style or story is not to your taste. Perhaps their homebrewed rules only make sense when you realize that they are mostly geared to favor other players. Though this post focuses on how to leave a game when a DM is emotionally or verbally abusive, it can be used as a how-to on leaving a game for any reason.
Playing your TRPG of choice can become a chore when interpersonal drama starts seeping into a game played for fun. No matter what reason you have for wanting to break up with your DM, it’s never an easy conversation to have. Whether you’re someone that enjoys a good debate or is averse to confrontation altogether, the biggest hardship is born from the relationship you have with your DM.
In my case, my DM had a god complex to such a degree that they targeted particular players with whom they have grievances out of game, and sought to psychologically damage them by punishing their characters. As a small sampling, they decided to kill one of my exiting player characters in a grossly violent manner at the hands of someone they loved in front of the entire party without clearing it with me first.
Huh. That’s even more messed up in writing, actually.
My concerns with my DM’s style of playing, storytelling, and inconsistent rule system were similar to the ones I mentioned before, but the personal drama was the wonky nail being hammered into the figurative coffin Saturday after traumatizing Saturday. With every slight and unfairly stacked battle, the hammer drop began to have a resonance that became impossible to ignore, fanning my simmering anger into a flame.
When the DM has personal vendettas and starts lording over the table like a vengeful, power-drunk, sadistic god with a penchant for emotional manipulation, it might be time to leave the game. Now, this game might be the only thing you look forward to every week (more’s the pity) and you may love everyone else at the table, but you need to prioritize yourself. Especially if you’ve been bearing this burden for a while.
Ensure that you have been talking to your DM about problems when they arise.
Give them specific examples of things that you’re uncomfortable with and be clear about what you would like to get out of the game. If they’re open to your feedback, they’ll implement it in short order. Make sure you establish your expectations early on and as issues arise so that your DM can’t say that “you never gave them feedback,” so they “didn’t know anything was wrong”.
If your DM isn’t so receptive, talk to the other players as a sounding board and get their input.
First, make sure that you can trust the other players not to tell the DM about your meeting until you all agree when you’ll bring it up. The odds are, you’re going to realize that you aren’t as alone as you thought. You’re also likely going to get different perspectives on their actions that you might not have caught, too.
Stage an intervention.
Arrange a meeting with the other players and sit down with the DM to collectively air out your grievances. Restate your concerns, and let the others back you up and add concerns of their own. Watch the DM's reactions to determine how much is sinking in. If they seem very distracted or disengaged, this is a red flag.
If the intervention doesn’t work, and the DM continues their poor sportsmanlike conduct, reflect on how it has been affecting you and trust your instincts.
If every session leaves you feeling defeated and conspired against, it may be time to dimension door out of the situation. There is no shame in this, and the DM is not winning if you decide to cut them out of your weekly routine. If you have a good relationship with the other players, love the character you’ve created, and appreciate some elements of the story, it’s understandable that you might be hesitant to let it go.
In the end, you’ll have to decide what is best for you.
Tell your DM that you’re leaving.
This needs to be done privately and delicately. Thank them for their hard work, and then gently tell them that you’re leaving. Do not provide any reasons. If they ask for an explanation or for a “chance” to do better, you don’t owe them that- especially if you’ve already aired at your grievances and gave them constructive feedback multiple times in the past. They weren’t interested then, so why would they listen now?
If you feel like you do want to restate all of the reasons why you’re leaving just to drive the point home, that is totally your choice. I would advise that if part of the reason why you’re leaving involves another player, ensure that you clear it with them before you bring it up to the DM.
If you have this conversation with them over video chat or over a phone call, don’t lose your temper or react emotionally during this conversation- especially if know that your DM is emotionally manipulative.
Breaking up with an abusive DM is always a hard thing to do, but I hope this helps anyone dealing with the same.
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